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18 September 2009 @ 09:29 pm
Let Us Entertain You - Top Ten Tips  
Top Ten Tips for Stealing the Throne

By Roger of Conte

So - you want to steal the Throne. Well, don’t we ALL. Luckily for you, I’m a seasoned master when it comes to intrigue, regicide and sexiness – and as such, I’ve decided to share my tips with the less fortunate looking.

I give you, Roger of Conte’s Top Ten Tips for Stealing the Throne:

1. Invest time, money, and er, energy into promising young swordsmen. Their loyalty is invaluable - you’ll find that in the odd war, natural disaster or magical catastrophe, said young swordsmen will always have your back.

2. Convince any pesky brats standing between you and your throne to trigger their own doom. Pointing them in the direction of a stone city with a serious demon infestation is always a great start.

3. Dress like the King you know you are. The moment you let yourself slip, you might as well go take over Scanra!

4. Ooze sex appeal. You’ll find that, without even trying, attractive women, powerful men and even the odd mentally-unbalanced sorcerer will fall into your lap!

5. Handpick a modest and accomplished young lady from then convent to be your consort. Also select an ambitious and promiscuous young lady to share with any cousins and/or the rest of the Court.

6. Keep up a nutritious and balanced diet. Make sure to have lots of protein – eggs, dairy, nuts, fish and human brains are all great for keeping up your daily protein intake.

7. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there: start wars with neighbouring countries, and if you aren’t given command straight away, do what you have to in order to secure it! Seduction and foul play are always personal favourites.

8. Keep an eye out for red headed twins – while they may appear appetising, they are almost always more trouble than they’re worth. Offer them the choice of minion-hood or death; then kill them anyway.

9. Ensure to make alternate burial arrangements in case you are assassinated before claiming your throne. I recommend Mr Barbarosa at Sheepshead Row – he installed a MacBook in my casket, for all my post-assassination entertainment needs.

10. If you do decide to take the path of apocalyptic doom, make sure to floss before you incinerate the world – let’s face it, no one wants to spend eternity with spinach stuck in their front teeth.