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18 September 2009 @ 09:24 pm
Let Us Entertain You - Letters to Miss R A Oul  

Letters to Miss R A Oul

Dear Miss R A Oul,

I can't get the fangirls to accept that I've moved on. I was frightened of being typecast, though I did come back once (mostly for the money, I admit - hard to get food stains out of robes!), and now it seems that's all they want, more of me. There's only so much I had to give. How do I stop them continually resurrecting me, and get them to leave me in peace?

from far, far beyond the grave,

Definitely Dead and Buried.

Dear Definitely Dead and Buried,

I think you should be more gracious towards your fangirls – most women are very picky about things like food stained robes (I should know)!

In regards to the food stains – have you thought about getting a Sham Wow? I hear they’re super absorbent and hold 12 times its weight in liquid! Plus the guy in the infomercial is SO HOT. You can get them for three easy payments of $59.95, and a free brain grater! How could you go wrong?

Love and kisses

Miss R A Oul

- - -

Dear Miss R A Oul,

I'm sick of being a Squire to a brutal knightmaster – but I don't want to be a knight. All this bruality and violence is awful, not to mention hard on my nails. I want a be a beautiful lady and wear pretty dresses! None of my family or friends understand though. What should I do?

Beautiful but Confused, Veldine

Dear Beautiful but Confused,

Usually I don’t take these things personally (because no one knows my true identity and therefore I have no reason to take it personally) but I happen to know your Knightmaster is a man of most outstanding calibre and very good dress sense! He also wouldn’t hurt a fly (unless it was armed, like with a sword or somesuch. But I doubt that would ever happen, because they don’t make swords that small... do they?) but for you to besmirch his good name like that, well, it hurts my very ladylike heart!

Also, have you thought about getting acrylic nails, similar to Prince Jonathan’s? I hear they work miracles and stand up to almost anything! Good luck with the dresses and such!

No Love,

Miss R A Oul

- - -

Dear Miss R A Oul,

I need your help with a moral dilemma. I am a very high ranking spy for a King (who shall remain nameless because he rules Tortall) and have access to a large number of resources. Would it be wrong for me to divert these resources (temporarily of course.. no more than a year or two) to finding out the true identity of my birth father? I am desperate to know.

Daddyless Daddy

Dear Daddyless Daddy,

In my experience, the Third Company of the King’s Own has unknowingly fathered many fatherless children across the country. If I had to guess, I would say your father is none other than Sergeant Domitan of Masbolle.

Good luck with the reunion!


Miss R A Oul

- - -

Dear Miss R A Oul

I have a strange rash covering the most important part of the lower part of my body, and I don’t mean my ankle. What is it? Help!

Been There Done All of Them, Eldorne

Dear Been There Done All of Them

Ahh, I too have had rashes covering my toes. A good washing should reveal that alas, it is just dirt!

Good luck with the bathing (Mithros knows you need it).

Lots of Love,

Miss R A Oul